“THERE IS A FIRE IN MY EYES AND HEART AND IT WILL NEVER BE EXTINGUISHED AGAIN, AGONY RUNS LIKE WET SOUP DOWN MY SOUL,” began the middle schooler’s book report on The Lovely Bones.
In retrospect, “Saints: Martyrdom or Delicious Death Fetish?” was a poor choice for the preschool’s Christmas play.
“Puberty is—well, it’s like Jesus being crucified by a flying, sexually aroused unicorn,” Jeff explained to the preschoolers.
Despite Jeff’s defense that he was “too cool for school,” the firefighter internal affairs division still thought it was inappropriate that he stood and laughed as the children unsuccessfully ran out of the burning building.
