July 2009
31 posts
1 tag
Shoot for the moon; if you miss, your body will probably incinerate in re-entry.
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The young man, with the confidence of a horny gazelle, strutted down the street in his flamingo pink suit, his posse of women dutifully trailing behind him, waiting for the promised ice-cream cone that would never come.
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Once upon a time, there was a widely mocked princess named Michael Thicklegs.
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“Shoot when you see the whites of their eyes!” the general shouted, guaranteeing his resounding loss against the notorious 54th Blind Orphan Regiment.
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No matter how hard Jeff concentrated on question number three, he could not drown out the relentless tapping of his neighbor’s pencil or the screams of the drowning woman.
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“It’s what’s inside that counts,” she whispered, as she placed a tapeworm into my lungs.
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Behind the one-way mirror, the scientists with their unkempt hair and untucked shirts observed and took notes. “Yes,” they wrote, “it definitely seems we purchased the wrong kind of mirror.”
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It was dark. Our hero grimaced, pulled out his knife, and cut his arm. Marking the ground with his blood, he knew it was going to be a long walk through Harlem.
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We bid farewell to the veteran journalist as he left the offices, us on our knees and crying, him with his semiautomatic and laughing.
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Raspberry (noun): Named after the rasping sound the victim makes as the fruit burrows its way into the eyes with a million tiny seedy claws.
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Stabby People with Knives is filmed live in front a studio audience and, sometimes, behind.
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“Thank God it’s secret Friday,” said Jeff to his army of weaponized ninja raccoons.
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If you see abuse happening, say something. Maybe a joke, to lighten the mood a little.
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We were lost, and he found us. We were naked, and he clothed us. We were bored, but video games had yet to be invented.
Though focus groups approved the show, critics widely panned “I’m a Celebrity, This Reality Show Run-on Title Seems to Contradict that Statement Though”.
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As the haughty and cynical 60-year old fashion editor stared through her limousine window at what even she could not doubt was true love, her heart melted, killing her instantly.
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We all thought it would be harmless to build a wishing well. We all thought it would be harmless to throw coins in it. We all thought we would never have to stand here, beneath the well, holding the knife above our firstborn daughter’s heart.
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As she stood on the dock waving her sky-blue handkerchief goodbye, the men on the oil tanker looked at her with puzzlement and then fear as she pulled out a .50 Browning Machine Gun.
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“SINCE TIME IMMEMORIAL,” Jeff shouted behind his chainmail, “MANKIND HAS LICKED THE CHEEKS OF DEATH,” thus beginning the worst relationship break-up in recorded history.
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As far as the playbook of first impressions went, the Pus Handshake Pattern had much to be desired.
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At first the inner voices disturbed Jeff, but they, being professionals, soon learned to harmonize on the same key.
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“A swath of frog, a pinch of newt; a heart filled with wicked plots.” The witches three cackled as each secretly questioned their subsistence farming lifestyle.
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“O, to be young again, to experience the caprice and vigor of life anew!” exclaimed the aging father to his starving children.
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I like Germanic mythology, and I cannot lie / You other religious scholars can’t deny / That when Thor walks in with a well-honed hammer / And a battle axe in your face / You run away
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Though he would never show it, Jeff had a small, kind, and deeply intimate part that always thought of himself as an entropy fighter, not a janitor.
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Loam. A measly piece of earth, it will soon pass beyond this earthly realm and enter a dimension of altered time and space … The Mantle Zone.
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Man is constantly at odds with Nature, especially after Nature was caught in bed with Time and Space doing unspeakably dirty things to Reality.
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The final act was never the same after Lady Macbeth bought a hand towel-size ShamWow.
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“Welcome to zoo. Here we’ve captured some of the most exotic animals in the world. To your left, our most popular exhibit. Yes, she’s adorable. You can hardly even make out the sadness in her eyes anymore.”
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Looking into his eyes, she felt as though every nerve of her body was firing in all directions as her heart beat faster and her brain massively hemorrhaged.
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We threw caution to the wind and also Jeff’s diabetes medication.