June 2009
31 posts
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I could see in his eyes that his soul was a bright, forever-burning flame as he ran around the room begging me to extinguish his clothes.
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The aardvark of a moral universe is long, but it bends toward the juicier ants.
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“This is just like toothpaste!” Jeff shouted.
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Slowly the tide receded, taking child’s broken kingdom with it. Also, the child because, let’s face it, it was a rip tide.
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“Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? Hammurabi stole the cookies from the cookie jar,” we chanted. “Who, me?” said Hammurabi. “Yes, you,” said we, proceeding to amputate his hands.
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Spring, a time for renewal, a time for corpses to thaw and airline tickets to be booked.
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Like tennis, debate is a constant verbal back-and-forth that introduces high schoolers to the world of cocaine.
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Despite their ability to pick up multiplication tables so readily, the children did a haphazard and frankly unacceptable job of moving my other furniture.
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The heavens seemed to open as Jeff plunged downward through the clouds with a stuck parachute.
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“Good morning, Vietnam!” shouted the hyperintelligent genocide robots.
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“Puberty is—well, it’s like Jesus being crucified by a flying, sexually aroused unicorn,” Jeff explained to the preschoolers.
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Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Vomit, and the world takes a few steps back.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, until it metastasizes to the lungs, liver, and kidney.
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Since time immemorial, mankind has done a better job of remembering the time.
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It is easier to criticize than to create, but try telling that to the people shouting “Put that corpse down”.
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Choosing a tattoo is such a chore because it’s so hard deciding which body part should get the hepatitis.
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In retrospect, it was easy to criticize the scientists for trying to determine the maximum resiliency of children.
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No matter how far he ran, no matter how much he begged, Jeff never seemed able to escape the bloodthirsty manhunt of his abandoned daughter trying to make first contact.
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When we played baseball, Jesus would run past the home base and spiral around the pitcher’s mound. We shouted that he was going the wrong way, but Jesus would only laugh and win.
Rejected TV show ideas: So You Think You Can Have Children.
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“Remember to be proud of who you are, whether you’re white, black, or polka-dotted like that kid with the acne in the front-row who’s trying to sink into his seat,” began Jeff’s speech to the orphanage.
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After three mannequins, a platypus liver, and two deaths, we realized that the Annual Awkward-Off Contest had gone too far.
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Stalking is just love from a distance.
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The story of “Goldilocks and the Unspeakably Horrible Tribear Massacre” was quickly edited into a similar story that did not contain the phrase “Goldilock’s beautiful innards strewn casually about the house of death”.
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And thus began Justice Scalia’s long and impassioned defense of Batman.
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Rejected vagina monologues: “Of all the vagina-friendly cities, only Aspen has ski lifts.”
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Rejected vagina monologues: “It felt the way a toupee must feel, fake and lice-y.”
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Rejected vagina monologues: “It turned out that Bob loved my vagina potatoes, but he loved our neighbor’s carrots even more.”
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Rejected vagina monologues: “Red is a terrible vagina, exacting vengeance over its hairy feudalistic mud serfs.”
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Rejected vagina monologues: “This vagina candle burns bright in the phallic dark, like a weird glowing menstrual ferret.”
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Sandy was her name, and sub-humid desertification was her game.
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In retrospect, Jeff’s uncontrollable sobbing and subsequent existential tirade was a poor way to start the orphanage’s diversity seminar.