May 2009
30 posts
3 tags
“You drive me crazy, Jeff,” she whispered into his ear. “How did you know,” he whispered back, “that I flushed your psychiatric medication?”
April 2009
28 posts
2 tags
Tornado-chasing was fun until they started chasing us.
2 tags
“We can get right back to where we belong,” she sang as the police re-arrested us.
1 tag
By mermaid, he meant syphilis.
3 tags
“I didn’t want to do this,” Jeff said before he shot the businessman. “Science,” he whispered.
1 tag
A short food interlude.
2 tags
We knew the political campaign was going badly when Jeff stopped returning the babies after kissing them.
2 tags
Samosas were the last victim in the eggplants’ war on delicious flavor.
3 tags
As Jeff ran through the rain pursued by wolves, he regretted replacing the umbrella’s nylon with pork thigh.
4 tags
Home Alone 7, directed by Christopher Nolan, is the grisly tale of redemption as a nighttime home invasion unfolds into a panoply of mutilation, murder, and finally suicide.
1 tag
Somewhere, there’s a beautiful universe where the horses are imaginary unicorns that can’t talk or shoot rainbow laser eye beams.
Obama’s decision to not prosecute CIA agents makes him kind of a pussy, says pussy expert.
2 tags
Jeff didn’t want to be a stalker. Jeff didn’t want to stand in the rain on a Sunday night with his hands in a laundry basket, smiling, always smiling.
3 tags
They were walking by the lake and holding hands when they realized they loved each other tenderly. It took, however, the drownings to realize they should walk more carefully by lakes.
3 tags
As he stood on a cliff overlooking a precipice above a fjord listening to the crashes of the sea waves against the tornado whirlpools of sand ravaging the shore, Jeff wondered if there were a better place to build this orphanage.
1 tag
The silence was broken only by the funky notes of sweet, sweet jazz, whose smooth rhythms seemed to emanate from everywhere in the elevator.
2 tags
The other bottles would point and laugh at Jeff after the breakup. “Tampered goods!” they would shout. “Broken seal!”
2 tags
“If only these walls could talk,” he said. “Actually, these are load-bearing, so they would probably say something like ‘Kill Me! Kill Me!’” And we all laughed.
2 tags
“How do I even get past this?” Jeff mumbled miserably into his hands. I slid a gun across the table. “Not violence. Not this time,” he said. I slid another gun.
2 tags
Thank you, Mario. But the princess is dead. You should’ve walked faster.
1 tag
“For a good time, call this number,” the bathroom wall said. “But you’re probably afraid of happiness.”
3 tags
The rain fell mainly on the plains, as children in the surrounding region slowly starved to death.
3 tags
“What are those?” “Badlands.” “And what are these?” “Brownnoselands.” And then we heard the rare murmur of a valley asking for more homework.
3 tags
Jeff suddenly knelt down on one knee and took out a ring from his pocket. He took her hand. “María,” he began, “this really hurts.” “I know,” she whispered.
2 tags
People really underestimated Jeff, especially after he told everybody it was manslaughter.
1 tag
“The weather is beautiful outside,” said Jeff. “But inside, she’s a warty whore.”
1 tag
I sure am glad I did not go. I sure am glad I did not say yes.
1 tag
The “Her heart was as black as stone, but at least she’s alone.” greeting card was not received well by the Fungal Heart Infection ward.