July 2010
2 posts
2 tags
“Dexterity is the name of this game,” he thought as he spiked the wicket down the diamond. “Also, basketball.”
4 tags
There were a lot of reasons why it didn’t work out, but the most important one had to be the murders.
May 2010
1 post
2 tags
His laughter was infectious. Also, his virus.
November 2009
1 post
2 tags
Mayor Tiny Tim of Tiny Town presided over a short and troubled administration for Tiny Tim held a tiny insistence that all things be teeny tiny, up to and including the fire fighting equipment.
September 2009
1 post
1 tag
After nine months, several trips to the obstetrician, and a painful reconciliation, Fragments came to an end.
August 2009
28 posts
2 tags
We sat alert on that hill as the sun came up, holding hands, silently crying, numbly feeling each other, waiting for the fire of Sodom to inevitably consume us and our children.
1 tag
Jeff lay there unmoving, awestruck by the majesty of his spinal paralysis.
3 tags
“What big teeth you had!” cried Little Red Riding Hood, tasting the grandma carcass soup.
2 tags
It seems as if time stood still, as if they held hands forever, those two corpses.
2 tags
Too often had we discounted the power of children: their innocence, their beautiful naïvety, their powerful tiny fists.
2 tags
“Porridge!” she shouted wildly, she too having forgotten the safe word.
3 tags
“What big teeth you have, Grandma!” said Little Red Riding Hood, hungrily feeling her toothless jaws, craving what she could not have.
3 tags
One day, Princess Michael Thicklegs snuck outside the castle when her father, the king, wasn’t paying attention, which was always. She found hope and respite within nature’s bosom, as nature continually mistook her thick, hairy legs as squirrels.
2 tags
Love is a fickle mistress, like having a secret wife.
2 tags
Death is but the final voyage in life, if voyages were permanent and one-way and extremely physically and emotionally painful.
1 tag
Persuasion is the act of greatest intimacy, the intimacy of knowledge, followed by totally rounding second base.
3 tags
“In closing,” said the counsel to the jury, “I just hope everybody in the courtroom can overlook the parts of the case where I started settings things on fire and browbeat a woman into a heart attack. And if you don’t I will personally come after you with an electric riding crop, SO HELP ME GOD.”
2 tags
Violence is never the answer, except in self-defense. Or if the guy stole something from you. Or if he looks at you funny because he’s probably hitting on you, and that’s not cool. That’s gay.
3 tags
“So long! So long!” she cried to the lonesome man standing on the platform, as the train pulled away, as she shot him.
3 tags
Maniac Magee sure was a hoot to hang around with. Then the stabbings started.
2 tags
The tree elves flitted from tree to tree, playfully laughing behind each one as their dewy hands touched the bark and set it ablaze.
3 tags
“THERE IS A FIRE IN MY EYES AND HEART AND IT WILL NEVER BE EXTINGUISHED AGAIN, AGONY RUNS LIKE WET SOUP DOWN MY SOUL,” began the middle schooler’s book report on The Lovely Bones.
2 tags
Quiet and giggling was the brook as it whispered sweet nothings into the ears of would-be suicide victim Jeff.
1 tag
Prejudice is an ugly monster, and probably lazy too.
2 tags
The neon lights gently flickered on and off, playfully throwing shadows onto an empty night street, a detail lost on the LA riot mob.
3 tags
“She and I, we were ready for second base. They said our relationship was impossible, eccentric, yearning to break free the very fabric of what is moral and immoral; and, as we felt our bodies become one, we knew they were so so wrong especially after we started using the second base canvas bag as a spanking machine,” Jeff read aloud to his drivers’ ed class.
1 tag
For Jeff, the dictionary seemed to hold all the wonder and mystery of the world. For the dictionary, it wished Jeff would at least browse with pants on.
2 tags
Jeff drank to forget the pain, which he remembered by eating. Turns out, Jeff has Crohn’s.
3 tags
The hieroglyphs seemed to shimmer in the night light, quivering, as if waiting for a preternatural force to infuse them with light, as if a fat enthusiastic man was holding it and jumping up and down.
2 tags
In retrospect, “Saints: Martyrdom or Delicious Death Fetish?” was a poor choice for the preschool’s Christmas play.
3 tags
“It was like taking candy from a baby,” the doctor thought as he walked down the infantile diabetes ward.
2 tags
Princess Michael Thicklegs got tired of giggling courtesans and gossiping jesters. “Is this the life for me?” she thought, as she massaged her hairy, thick legs.
2 tags
So began his thankless investigations here in this dingy, littered gas station perched on the knife’s blade between road and desert, civilization and chaos, sobriety and insanity, where he quietly pumped premium deluxe gasoline into his Miata.
July 2009
31 posts
1 tag
Shoot for the moon; if you miss, your body will probably incinerate in re-entry.
4 tags
The young man, with the confidence of a horny gazelle, strutted down the street in his flamingo pink suit, his posse of women dutifully trailing behind him, waiting for the promised ice-cream cone that would never come.
2 tags
Once upon a time, there was a widely mocked princess named Michael Thicklegs.
3 tags
“Shoot when you see the whites of their eyes!” the general shouted, guaranteeing his resounding loss against the notorious 54th Blind Orphan Regiment.
2 tags
No matter how hard Jeff concentrated on question number three, he could not drown out the relentless tapping of his neighbor’s pencil or the screams of the drowning woman.
2 tags
“It’s what’s inside that counts,” she whispered, as she placed a tapeworm into my lungs.
2 tags
Behind the one-way mirror, the scientists with their unkempt hair and untucked shirts observed and took notes. “Yes,” they wrote, “it definitely seems we purchased the wrong kind of mirror.”
1 tag
It was dark. Our hero grimaced, pulled out his knife, and cut his arm. Marking the ground with his blood, he knew it was going to be a long walk through Harlem.
1 tag
We bid farewell to the veteran journalist as he left the offices, us on our knees and crying, him with his semiautomatic and laughing.
1 tag
Raspberry (noun): Named after the rasping sound the victim makes as the fruit burrows its way into the eyes with a million tiny seedy claws.
2 tags
Stabby People with Knives is filmed live in front a studio audience and, sometimes, behind.
2 tags
“Thank God it’s secret Friday,” said Jeff to his army of weaponized ninja raccoons.
1 tag
If you see abuse happening, say something. Maybe a joke, to lighten the mood a little.
2 tags
We were lost, and he found us. We were naked, and he clothed us. We were bored, but video games had yet to be invented.
Though focus groups approved the show, critics widely panned “I’m a Celebrity, This Reality Show Run-on Title Seems to Contradict that Statement Though”.
4 tags
As the haughty and cynical 60-year old fashion editor stared through her limousine window at what even she could not doubt was true love, her heart melted, killing her instantly.
2 tags
We all thought it would be harmless to build a wishing well. We all thought it would be harmless to throw coins in it. We all thought we would never have to stand here, beneath the well, holding the knife above our firstborn daughter’s heart.